You can’t cry while scrolling Instagram.
Post natal depression, Global Development Delay & hitting rock bottom.
It’s taken me a good few months to process this and finally begin to write about it.
I’m not really sure what I want to say, I’m just going to let the words flow…
On the 21st March 2024 I was diagnosed with post natal depression. Odd, you may think, seeing as my baby was almost 13 months old at the time. But true.
You see, I knew there was something not quite right with my mental health for a long time before I spoke to a doctor. I’d say a good 6 months+.
The end of 2023 was the hardest for me. It was different to the baby blues. I’d just finished breastfeeding so my hormones were all over the place. I was desperate for that first period postpartum so that I could feel normal again.
Except, my period didn’t return for months!
I’d been doing a lot of that, waiting, to see if things would improve. But they didn’t.
So, I phoned and booked a doctors appointment. Only to have a flat tyre as I was about to set off. I booked a phone call appointment, instead, until I could get my tyre fixed. They said I needed an in person appointment for mental health issues.
I felt like at every opportunity I was met with a block. An obstacle. A reason why I shouldn’t seek help. I took it as a sign from the universe that I was fine, I wasn’t depressed, I just needed to carry on and get through it. And so I did.
That was until a particular bad night when baby didn’t sleep at all. I was used to getting an hour or two a night, sometimes three or four, but this night I had nothing.
I had work the following day, and baby was at the childminder. I remember dropping him off and just crying and crying that I was so tired. I went home, worked and then went to collect him a few hours later.
The thing is, I didn’t want to take him home. I didn’t want to see him. I remember walking into the childminders house and bursting into tears again as soon as I saw him.
I didn’t want to be this tired. I didn’t want to take him home. I didn’t want to do anything, except cry. I did a lot of that. Loads and loads of it in fact.
A few weeks later we received baby’s 12 month review questionnaire through the post. Going through each question we soon realised something wasn’t quite right. We were ticking ‘no’ for every single answer.
Can your baby do this? No. Can your baby do that? No. Is baby doing this yet? No. Has baby done that yet? No. Every single answer.
Why wasn’t he reaching his milestones? Why wasn’t he able to do the things that our older children had done at this age? Had we done something wrong? Was it because I felt so bad mentally? Had my mental health caused my baby to be so severely delayed?
We saw the health visitor in March. She listened to everything we had to say, and watched baby as he played. And then she said ‘do you want me to be honest?’.
Yes! I thought. Tell me why my baby is like he is and I’ll fix it. Tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it. What does he need? I’ll give it to him.
Your baby has Global Development Delay, and I suspect he is neurodivergent. Hence why he doesn’t need a lot of sleep. It may be the reason why he doesn’t engage with other children, why he prefers to be on his own, why he enjoys being outside instead of inside singing nursery rhymes. Why he puts every toy to his ears instead of his mouth. Why he doesn’t like a lot of noises at once, or loud noises.
Ok, what can I do to fix this?
Nothing. It’s just him. There’s nothing you’ve done wrong, it’s just how he is. He was always meant to be like this. Nothing has caused it.
I held it together in front of my husband that day, but the following day I broke down and the tears came back.
The mask would go on when my husband was home, when my older children returned from school, or when I had work meetings. But through the day all I did was cry.
I had very little energy and just wanted to spend my days in bed. I couldn’t, because I had a job and children to look after, but all I wanted to do was climb into bed and sleep.
The tiredness was another level to what I was used to. It wasn’t a physical tiredness I felt anymore, rather a mental exhaustion that I just couldn’t shift.
The only thing that seemed to stop me from crying and silenced my brain, was scrolling Instagram. I’d lose hours at a time just scrolling. Nothing there bringing me joy or happiness, nothing making me smile or feel inspired. I felt nothing. But it turns out you can’t cry while scrolling Instagram, so I stayed and scrolled some more.
I’d hit rock bottom.
It was only when baby’s childminder took matters into her own hands and booked me an appointment with my GP that I realised just how bad I was. I literally just thought I was tired, but I suppose deep down I knew I was depressed.
The thing that’s on my mind the most now is this Substack. I’ve been lost for so long that I don’t really know how to come back. Looking back at this publication, I feel angry with myself, and naive. I feel privileged that I’ve never experienced suffering with bad mental health before.
What an idiot to think that life didn’t have to be stressful, when I didn’t have any struggles and I could pretty much do as I pleased. How insensitive I was to think that stressed people could take my course and rid themselves of their worries and suddenly become calmer people. Ridiculous.
Although, I was happy then. And I’d do anything to go back to that time. To that naivety. To the carefree person I was. To the person who slept, and exercised, read and wrote.
Life has changed dramatically for me. I’m a parent of a baby whose future I’m not certain of. I don’t know who he’ll be, how he’ll grow, if he’ll be able to do certain things. If he’ll ever speak. I just don’t know.
I do know I love writing though. I’ve never been good at talking, which is ironic as I’m currently having talking therapy. I’m not sure how that’s going either. I don’t feel like I’m making progress or healing there, probably because I’m talking to a man about my hormones, and post natal depression. But writing works. I know that.
Right now I’m feeling good. I have really happy days, and I also have bad days. That’s normal. Even for someone who doesn’t live with depression. The one thing that used to really scare me was having a bad day and not knowing if this was just a bad day, or the start of a bad few months again. Luckily, so far it’s just been a bad day.
I’m finding myself again, and I enjoy doing things. I’m really enjoying writing, and my VA work is just wonderful. My clients are incredible women, and I love working on their businesses with them. Baby has more childcare hours, and I feel like that’s giving me more time to myself, to be me and to do the things I love. This last year has been the toughest I’ve ever been through, but I’m through the other side, somewhere different than I expected, but I’m happy. I really am.
So, what’s the plan for this Substack going forward? I guess I’ve done what I set out to here. I wanted to bring my Simple & Calm course to life, and I’ve done that. I’ve had beautiful, meaningful, and vulnerable conversations here, and the community here has been a solid foundation that I needed to rebuild myself.
I don’t regret what I’ve done here, but my circumstances have changed. My life has changed and I’m in a completely different season to when I first started my Substack.
So I’m not sure what to do here. What do you think?
Do I rename and write about my own journey of healing? Do I write about seeking simple and calm? Do I delete this account altogether and start again with my new knowledge and with less naivety?
I’d love your thoughts, please share them in the comments.
I’m working on a new Substack publication because I’ve been inundated with enquiries from creative small business owners who need help. My new publication is called
, and it’s all about small, simple, bitesized ways that small business owners can reduce their overwhelm in their businesses.It feels exciting and purposeful, and I’m going to be helping more people in their businesses without working 24/7 😅. If you like the sound of that, I’d love it if you could pop over and join me there.
Thanks so much for reading my ramblings. I hope you’re well too. I’ve missed chatting with you.
Speak soon,
Sophie x
I re-read this today, as I prepare some questions for our little collab. 😊 And I believe you can still share honestly under the ‘simple & calm’ umbrella. I’ve had times where I’ve felt I couldn’t write about contentment because I was feeling crap, so I feel you! But I also think it’s good for people to see that someone who values calm simplicity will still experience challenges along the way. Simple & calm is about what you value and aspire to, and doesn’t have to be exactly who you are/where you’re at in every season of your life. ❤️ It’s aspirational and people can still learn from your words and experiences.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart ❤️