Hello, is anyone here anymore?
It’s been a while since I spoke to you last, and I feel like I need to finally let you know what’s been happening, and what I’ve been up to.
I suppose I sort of need to make sense of what’s happened too, because I don’t quite know how it happened. I need to understand.
There’s also a lot of fear that I’m holding onto. In truth, I’m scared to write this post. I’m scared it’ll uncover the truth about how I got into this situation (something I suppose I don’t 100% want to know). I’m scared of how this post will be received because I don’t plan on holding back in it. I’ve had some awful thoughts and feelings, and I worry I’ll be judged for that. But mostly, I’m scared this post will have a negative impact on my business.
So here goes…
For years I’ve taught many, many people how to slow down and live a simple and calm life. It’s what I’m passionate about. It’s what my life and my values are based upon. I know why I left my old life, and I know the steps to take to get me back to a simplified life if life runs away with me.
I know.
Except, I don’t. Because, and I feel like such a fraud for saying this, I’ve gone through (still going through) the biggest burnout I’ve ever had. How can I be burnt out when I live a simple and calm life? Everything I thought I knew seems wrong. Have I been lying to myself all this time? Lying to you?
I started to list all the terrible events and the devastating news that I’d had each month throughout 2023, but no one needs to read that. It certainly doesn’t make for light reading, so I’ve deleted it. Instead, I’m going to start in August 2023.
August 2023 was the month that I launched my new Virtual Assistant business. I’ve always done VA work, but only ever for one company, and never on my own terms. After being ‘let go’ from that job whilst on maternity leave, I decided to go for it and create my own business, with my own clients, on my own terms. And so I did. I got my very first client!
By the next month, I had 4 clients and my income had increased x14! October 2023 saw me take on my 5th client. Things were growing quickly and I was so happy! I didn’t expect my business to grow this fast, this soon. By November 2023 I had secured 60 hours of work. “Ah, that’s not many hours a month” I hear you say. Well, you’re right. When I worked part time as a nurse, I worked 34 hours a week. 60 hours a month isn’t bad at all. But, there’s one small, very cute difference - I also have a baby.
Yep. My baby was 6 months old when I started my business. You see, when I get my teeth into something, I go all in. Especially when it’s something I love and enjoy. And sometimes that’s not a good thing. Like right there in that moment, for example.
Before I had my baby, I used to enjoy 6 hours of peaceful, uninterrupted work during school hours. It was glorious. I’d start at 9am on the dot, I’d have lunch, and I’d finish at 3pm. My days were my own, I didn’t have to meet anyone else’s needs or even hear another sound until 3pm. To say I enjoyed this time is an understatement. I was the happiest I’ve ever been in those days, on my own.
Except, I’m not on my own anymore. My baby never slept through the night. I used to be that parent who’d laugh at other parents who’d say their babies didn’t sleep. “They must be doing something wrong, my babies sleep perfectly”. WOW. What an idiot I was. William showed me just how horrific having no sleep can be. I breastfed him on demand, and he used to feed from me ALLLL night. Which was fine for a while, before I had my business, because I could afford to stay up and feed him, and have little sleep. I used to read through all of my Substack inbox during those feeds. It was fine. I was going to say lovely, but it was still exhausting.
But then, I had a business. I had clients who’d paid me for their hours. I needed to work and complete those hours. And I did, for the first few months. I’d spend all night awake with the baby, and all day stuck under my laptop, not even breaking off to feed him, I’d just prop my laptop up so I could feed and work.
Do you see my struggle here? I’m not moaning about my baby, and I’m not moaning about my work. I love both. They’re part of me, who I am, I’m good at both, and I love both. It’s just, together, with 2 older children, a house and everything else that comes with life, it’s A LOT. So I contacted every single nursery, childminder, and day care centre within a 10 mile radius. I’m not lying when I say that every one of them were either full, wouldn’t take children under 12 months, had availability in May 2025(!), or were £70 a day. In the end I managed to secure 5 hours a week with a childminder. I had to take it to get my foot in the door for when she could offer more hours.
It’s December. In fact, it’s 2 weeks before Christmas and I hadn’t bought a single thing. I just didn’t have the time or the headspace to think about anything other than the baby or the business. H (my daughter) sits beside me and asks if we’re doing anything during the Christmas holidays. I don’t think I even looked up from my laptop when I said “I have to work, Princess”. “It doesn’t feel like Christmas this year”, she replied.
You see, December was a very low point for me. Business was going great in terms of I had all the clients I wished for, and I was earning money. But, at this point I was working 30+ hours a week with only 5 hours a week childcare. On top of that I was getting around 3 hours of sleep a night, if I was lucky. I was done. Broken. Desperate.
I remember turning to my husband and saying “I wish we never had him. I really regret it”.
I KNOW that that was an awful thing to think, let alone say, but it was true. That’s how I felt. Don’t get me wrong, this baby was SO wanted. We tried for a long time to have him, and I was so excited to meet him. This time was going to be different, I’d told myself. With the older 2, I was working as a nurse, working long, brutal, exhausting shifts. This time round, I lived a slow and simple life. I was happy, content, and had time. Time to play with him, get to know him, have a full maternity leave with him (I only had 6 weeks with the other 2). It was going to be everything I dreamed of and more. Except it wasn’t.
I started to become so angry with my husband, but truth be told, I was jealous. He could go to work, and work. When he was home from work he could concentrate on the children or the housework. His worlds never mixed. I envied that so much. I didn’t want my work and my family life to mix.
There wasn’t a day (or even a few hours sometimes) that went by without tears from me. All I did for weeks was cry. I told the older children I was unwell, and I suppose there was some truth in that.
I was so depressed. I couldn’t complete the hours for my clients. I couldn’t get any sleep. I couldn’t settle the baby. I couldn’t keep on top of the house. I didn’t want to be near my husband. I barely saw my children. It was an awful time.
Christmas came around, and I really wanted to have the full 2 weeks off with the children. I missed them, and they deserved my time and attention. Except, as soon as I finished work for the holidays, we had a huge leak in the bathroom. You know the saying when it rains it pours? Yeah. That. Long story short, there’d been a slow leak for what could’ve been years under the bath. It had rotted the floor joists that held the bathroom up. It cost us a lot of money, and, because we had no savings, we’d just paid for Christmas, and we’d just replaced our bedroom window (which had been broken for around 3 years, with a 5cm hole that meant it was constantly freezing!), naturally, it went on the credit card.
So, what better way to start the Christmas holidays, than with absolutely no money at all, no savings, a maxed out credit card, and a still broken window (don’t get me started)? It’s fair to say we didn’t have a nice Christmas. Every hour was spent working, or taking care of the baby. As well as being pulled in every direction from relatives. I just wanted to be left alone.
This being me, I saw the chance to catch up on my client hours that I’d not been able to complete before the Christmas break. I did get some rest. We went to a trampoline park so the older children could get out of the house and let off some steam. The entire 2 hours I was there I couldn’t stop thinking about work.
The Christmas holidays were over, and it was back to work for me. I longed for school to start again, but I didn’t want to go back to working all the hours I was previously. Except, we need the money, and so January 2024 was going to be my busiest time yet.
It’s currently the 18th January as I write this. Almost the 19th as it’s almost midnight. I’ve just finished working on some client work. This is normal for me now. I work as much as William allows me to during the day, and then, once the kids are in bed, I get my laptop out and work another 4 or 5 hours every night.
Right now William is mostly sleeping through. I have 10 hours of childcare a week now. And, although my bank is in minus figures, and I keep getting texts from the bank to say there’s bills due out which may take me overdrawn, I’m ok. I’m not crying as much as I used to. I’ve stopped breastfeeding and my periods have returned which I’ve been longing for. I NEEDED to get my hormones back to normal. I’m coping. I’m getting through it.
My word of the year (not that I’ve had any chance to reflect on the year and plan for 2024) is ‘temporary’. This season of my life is temporary. My utterly shite financial situation is temporary. The lack of sleep is temporary. The stress is temporary. The debt is temporary. Working this many hours is temporary. Not having enough childcare is temporary. It’s all temporary. And knowing this is what’s currently getting me through.
So, yeah. It’s alright preaching about slowing down, reducing your work hours, reducing your stress and finding a balance, but what happens when your bathroom is about to fall through into your kitchen, you’ve no money, no savings, and not enough childcare to allow you to earn enough money to fix it all? Well, it all goes to shit, you become depressed, burnt out and unhappy.
I don’t know where I am right now with everything. I don’t know what my plans are for this space in 2024. I just know I needed to write this for myself. I need to look back at this in a year or two down the line and forgive myself. I know there’s a way out of this, but I can’t see that right now. I’m stood in the clear bit in the middle of the storm, and I have no idea how to get out.
I’m sorry I’ve been so inconsistent here these last few months. I just have not had the capacity for anything else. Which is so annoying because writing is my happy place. I love it, and it brings me so much joy. I’m desperate to get back to it, and I will. I’m just not 100% sure when, and what that’d look like. I definitely can’t post 2 posts a week right now. I need to think this over and I’ll get back to you about it.
What do I want? To be able to work less, or to have the right amount of childcare to be able to work because I genuinely LOVE my job. I’d like to work 4 days a week and have a day off to spend with William, because I absolutely, unconditionally love my children. I’d love my weekends back, and my evenings back to spend with my children and my husband, because I bloody love them too! I want my slow life back. I want to feel happy again. I want to find joy in the simplest, most mundane things. I want to go to sleep. So on that note, it’s now the 19th and I’m going to bed. I’ll read through this in the morning and decide whether or not to publish it. Is there a point? I don’t know.
Goodnight x
I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles but how brave to post this! I can completely relate. Although I don't have children, I still find myself overwhelmed and guilty that I'm not living the 'perfect' slow life I preach. Its a work in progress and I'm sure you will find a balance that works for you. Stay well! ❤
This piece was so good and vulnerable, one thing I always remember when adversity hits, when everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.