Being alone isn't lonely

Why being alone is good for you

Growing up, my mum would say “I long to hear the sound of a ticking clock”. I never understood what this meant because I can’t stand listening to annoying little noises like the sound of a pen tapping against a table, or a clock ticking. But, as an adult, I finally figured out what she meant.

I come from a big family. I’m one of 6 children and as a child my house was always full of extended family members, grandparents and neighbours. I remember going to my friends house for tea when I was in high school and finding out that she was an only child. Her house was deathly quiet and I found it so strange. Her family also found me to be very strange and they quizzed me all about my big family whilst we ate our tea.

I remember thinking how nice it was that she didn’t have to share a bedroom or that she could watch WHATEVER SHE WANTED TO on TV without the sound of younger siblings fighting and ruining it. I was so envious of her and her ‘perfect’ life that I longed to be an only child too.

I’d never been on my own or had my own bedroom until the older 3 (what we collectively call my older 3 siblings) moved out, and that’s when I met my husband and moved in together. When I say I’ve never been on my own, I really haven’t. This was fine I guess as I never knew differently. I never knew what being alone felt like, or how being alone would be so good for me.

It wasn’t until I was a student nurse in my early 20’s and I started working night shifts that I finally found myself alone. I remember coming home from my night shift to a silent house. The silence was almost deafening to me, it certainly felt completely alien. But after a while, I just sat there and let it embrace me. It was beautiful.

I remember my husband texting me to say he hated when I worked night shifts. He hated being in the house without me, and he couldn’t sleep without me being there. Of course I would reply and say “me too!”, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, the silence was addicting and I would crave another ‘hit’ of it after each night shift.

The quiet alone time didn’t last long as I soon became a parent. I absolutely adore my children, don’t get me wrong, but oh how I missed being alone. In fact, those last few months before my youngest started full time school were tough. I remember almost counting down the days until September until it was just me again. I missed me and couldn’t wait to spend some quality time with myself again.

Studies show the ability to tolerate alone time has been linked to increased happiness, better life satisfaction, and improved stress management. People who enjoy alone time experience less depression.

September came and I found myself alone. It wasn’t long after that I left my job in the NHS to go self employed. Now I was alone all day (between school hours), and it. was. incredible. I learned that I absolutely loved my own company. I need a lot of time on my own to be productive and do my work, so this turned out to be perfect for me.

The pandemic soon saw to it that I wouldn’t be alone for months on end. I really struggled during lockdown. I always struggle when the kids are off school for long periods of time, but being off for the best part of a year certainly didn’t help me. This is when I finally learned what my mum meant all those years ago when she’d say she’d long to hear the ticking of a clock. Although, on the other hand, it was great because no one else could visit. That part I enjoyed.

You see, I could happily live somewhere remote with my nearest neighbour being 3 miles away. In fact, that sounds heavenly to me. I once saw a remote Scottish island for sale on Rightmove for a very appealing £1million. If only I did the lottery!

I don’t long for small talk or ‘catch ups’ with friends, and I rarely spend time with my extended family. It’s not that I’m a horrible person, or that I don’t like them, it’s just that it drains me and I’m very awkward in social situations. I’d quite happily sit in silence, and I find it very uncomfortable thinking of things to say just for the sake of it. I’m not a talker, I’m a listener. I’m fine if I’m asked a question, I can even be quite chatty especially if it’s to do with something I’m passionate about. But otherwise, I’ll speak when spoken to.

I know that when I spend the day with my extended family (my siblings, parents or cousins), I’m exhausted come the end of it. I need a day or two to recharge my batteries, gather my thoughts and get back to ‘me’. I think this is common for a lot of introverts out there. We are so utterly drained by the end of a social interaction that it can take several days to feel ‘normal’ again.

The fact is I’m extremely lucky. I’m incredibly introverted and I love being alone, and I have a job that allows me to be on my own for the majority of the day with minimal interaction with others. To some, this would be their worst nightmare, and it can sound very lonely. But for me it’s what I need. I’d say I felt more alone in a house full of people as a child than I ever have as a self employed adult.

I think it’s hard to understand unless you’re used to being on your own, just how freeing it is. I saw a quote by Tom Hardy once that I resonated with so much:

‘Being alone for a while is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t want to deal with people anymore.’

Oh it is so peaceful. I’m fortunate that my work is all online and I don’t have to deal with the general public face to face. I love the internet and how social media allows me to talk to followers & customers whenever I want to. Instagram allows me to find other likeminded people and be extroverted and ‘chatty’, the total opposite to what I’m actually like in real life.

You might be reading this thinking how boring I sound or how miserable I must be when spending time with my family, but you’d be wrong. In fact, spending time with the right people is key. I love spending time with my husband and children. You know when you just find your people and you love being around them? That’s what I’m like with my little family.

I thoroughly enjoy the company of my husband. My children are absolutely hilarious, and are at an age where we can have real conversations about topics that interest them. I love hearing them read or question something that doesn’t quite sit right with them. With these 3 humans I could spend a lot of time. I could talk to them non stop about things that intrigue me. I never have to make small talk, or ask pointless questions. Time spent with them is enjoyable and I look forward to it.

I love our evenings and our weekends together, and it makes me value my time during the day on my own even more. I never take it for granted. In fact, I think I’ve finally got the perfect balance of alone time and time spent with people. I love my own company and being alone, but it’s also equally as wonderful to spend time with my family. I do spend a lot of time alone, but I’m far from lonely.

What are your thoughts on being alone? Do you enjoy it? Are you doing it enough?