Could you get up and walk away from your entire life?
Because some days it's all I honestly think about
Do you ever just wish you could walk away from your life? I never have, but lately that’s exactly what I’m thinking.
I suppose it’s a combination of the overwhelm, low mood and stress paired with having 3 children, a busy job and financial worry that is causing this feeling, and I’m sure it’ll pass, but I wanted to acknowledge it and write about it.
It was Saturday afternoon, we’re all in the kitchen. The older children are sat at the table eating their dinner and actually crying that I’ve put some mixed veg on their plates. I’m sat next to them trying to feed the baby in his highchair, but he’s been unwell since Thursday and isn’t eating a thing. My husband is sorting the dogs’ dinner and they’re excitedly pacing the kitchen in anticipation.
There’s noise, there’s tears, there’s barking, there’s shouting, there’s a lot of stress. I sit in silence, deep in a day dream feeling numb. “I could just get up and walk away from this life right now”, I think to myself. I’m being serious.
But then I start to think about how that would impact my family, if I left. My husband wouldn’t be able to work at his current job, his working hours don’t fit around school, and certainly not the baby. The baby would have to go into full time childcare, my husband couldn’t afford this if he had everything to pay for himself. The older 2 children would be heartbroken, and surely grow up to be damaged teenagers and adults without a mother. And so I stay. I don’t tell my husband what I’ve just been feeling.
The thing is, I adore my husband. I love him so much, and he truly is my best friend and the person I want to spend my entire life with. I also love my children unconditionally, so much so I could squeeze them until they pop. But life for me right now is so hard. It’s hard for my husband too, but I’m in this victim mindset at the moment, and all my feelings are selfish.
I don’t remember the last time I was happy, or excited about something. Right now all I feel is tired, stressed and tearful. All I keep thinking is, “is this my life?”. Is this what I have become? Someone who only just survives each day and then spends all night trying to stop a crying baby from waking the house? Someone who is constantly refereeing the older children who don’t know how to not argue and fight with each other. Who tries to spend time with my husband, but falls asleep because I’m utterly exhausted. Who’s house is disgusting because I have no energy at all to clean it.
I used to love my life. My simple and calm life. But that’s gone now, and I’m angry that I’ve let it happen. I don’t want this life, I want my old life back. I want to stand up and walk away from this life, but I can’t, so I stay.
I don’t know what my plan is for Substack at the moment, or the point in this post. I can’t think about it. All I know is that I need to write, no matter how I’m feeling - I just need to get these feelings out of me and into written form. I suppose right now, this space is sort of like therapy for me (lord knows I can’t afford actual therapy right now). You don’t have to stick around while I navigate this season of my life, it’s certainly not a happy, calm and uplifting place to be. Please feel free to unsubscribe if I’m triggering you. I hope one day I’ll be back to feeling like myself again, and I’ll be able to write lighter content. For now I’m going to offload my thoughts and feelings, and for no one but myself. I’m not trying to grow my subscribers or achieve a goal. I just want to explore how I’m feeling, and try and make sense of it. I also think it’s important to put my hands up and say, honestly, that life can be shit and hard and depressing, and that it’s not all simple and straightforward. God I wish it was.
Keep writing! Love your honesty and vulnerability. I hope you can grab a glimmer of enjoyment in a sip of coffee or a chat with a friend.
Oh you are being yourself even if you’re not feeling like yourself. I know exactly where you are and how it feels. You are not alone.
As someone who has come out the other side of it, please continue to be you, to share your feelings about this, to be super gentle with yourself. This is your life! All the messy and gorgeous parts, the crying and the laughing.
This is it!