I feel like a trapped octopus
Dreaming of Scotland and making my own decisions.
Recently, but perhaps not too recently, I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling… trapped.
Trapped in my life. Trapped by my children, trapped by my husband, trapped by the government, my job and even my two sausage dogs.
Everything is feeling very claustrophobic right now, and, as my daughter used to say when she was teeny, I feel like a trapped octopus. She meant that she felt like her tentacles were stuck and she was unable to swim, but in grown up terms, she meant that she felt trapped and claustrophobic.
I’m just going to reiterate here that I absolutely adore my children and my husband, not so much the government, but I do love my job and my sausage dogs. Both things can be true at once - I can love my little family AND feel trapped. Let me explain…
My little family consists of my husband, my 10 year old, 9 year old and 18 month old. Those 4 people dictate everything in my life. Literally everything, I’m not even joking. More so my children than my husband, but he plays his part too.
They decided when I wake up on a morning, how much sleep I’ve had that night (LOL!), what time I’ll have my breakfast, whether or not I’ll drink my coffee on my first go, or if I’ll re-heat it in the microwave 3 times first. They decide what I wear - more so my baby after he decides that my just-out-of-the-wash jeans are far too clean, and proceeds to sneeze spaghetti all over them.
My daily schedule? Yep, they decide that too. “You think you’re going to get some food in, Mum? HA! Think again”. They decide when I work, when I clean the house, WHEN I USE THE BATHROOM!! I’m not in control of anything!
Don’t think I’m letting my husband off lightly here, either. Do you know how envious I am of him because he gets to go to work every day, and just DO. HIS. JOB? He doesn’t have to worry about working and looking after the children during the summer holidays from school. Or that the childminder is closed for 2 weeks while they’re on their holidays. Oh no, things like this don’t impact his ability to work.
What do I have control over in my life? I literally can’t think of anything right now.
Is it too much to ask? To be able to make your own decisions, to go to work and actually do your job, to have enough childcare hours so that you can get everything you need to done?
Seriously, think about it. I do. A lot.
I’ve been day dreaming of packing a bag and driving up to Scotland on my own. Leaving my husband to deal with the kids, the house, the washing. Leaving my children in the very capable hands of their father, and heading off, on my own, to make my own decisions. To do whatever I want to. To read, bathe, hike, eat, SLEEP, work, exercise, catch up on Grey’s Anatomy - you know, just normal everyday stuff.
But I don’t pack the car and run away. I stay. I do all of the things that I should do for my family, and none of the things I should do for me. Because that’s what being a mum and a wife is about, right? Putting yourself last. Giving all of yourself to those you love.
But, genuine question, is it possible to be a parent and a wife and have some control? To make my own decisions? Does anyone know? Asking for a friend.
Sophie x
Sophie, you already know that I don't have kids, but I did have a decade of caring for my family's foster children (from newborn up to mid-primary) - I'm also a counselling student. Two things I want to leave with you -
1. You're not doing anyone any favours by staying like this, least of all yourself. No, not every mother puts themselves last. You are simply convincing yourself that you're a 'good mother' for doing so. I believe in taking personal responsibility, and that means accepting that you created (or at least co-created) this life, so the only person to blame is YOU. (I mean that in the kindest, nicest way possible - honestly!). You have every right to complain, but what are you going to DO about it? Take some action.
2, I once read somewhere: 'much of the pain of life is self-imposed.' Again, this is about you. Think about (maybe journal) how your lack of boundaries has led you to feeling this way. I can guarantee that you say yes too much (maybe struggle with people-pleasing tendencies) and do things for others that they could do themselves, especially your kids. If you want things to change then you 'll have to stop doing that.
Sorry to come off sounding so aggressive!! But I am very passionate about this topic - women feeling downtrodden when they hold the power to change things, ask for help, etc. You're not powerless! If you don't like your life, do something to change it.
I hear you and see you and KNOW this. I was trying to describe it to someone the other day, at the gym, with two of my children there with me, and my mother-in-law in her gentle lost way, wondering if I’d made a mistake even attempting to get in a workout. My husband merry as you like, pumping iron far on the other side.
The woman I was talking to, when I said, ‘I just want the kids to go back to school already,’ replied: ‘oh? Huh? I guess I really love my kids.’
I was like, nope. I hate mine 🤣
(Just in case anyone reading this think I hate my kids, I do not. But I do REALLY like time when they are not dictating every minute.)