Sophie, you already know that I don't have kids, but I did have a decade of caring for my family's foster children (from newborn up to mid-primary) - I'm also a counselling student. Two things I want to leave with you -
1. You're not doing anyone any favours by staying like this, least of all yourself. No, not every mother puts themselves last. You are simply convincing yourself that you're a 'good mother' for doing so. I believe in taking personal responsibility, and that means accepting that you created (or at least co-created) this life, so the only person to blame is YOU. (I mean that in the kindest, nicest way possible - honestly!). You have every right to complain, but what are you going to DO about it? Take some action.
2, I once read somewhere: 'much of the pain of life is self-imposed.' Again, this is about you. Think about (maybe journal) how your lack of boundaries has led you to feeling this way. I can guarantee that you say yes too much (maybe struggle with people-pleasing tendencies) and do things for others that they could do themselves, especially your kids. If you want things to change then you 'll have to stop doing that.
Sorry to come off sounding so aggressive!! But I am very passionate about this topic - women feeling downtrodden when they hold the power to change things, ask for help, etc. You're not powerless! If you don't like your life, do something to change it.
I needed this, Jessica! I suppose I feel like a lot of this is out of my control and that I can't do anything about it (baby's health issues leading to having to take time off work and impacting my financial and mental health being the biggest thing out of my control).
I'm not sure what I could do about those, really. But don't apologise, this is helpful! I really want to change my life, but I can't seem to get ahead enough to do that.
Would love to chat further for some more passionate advice 🤣
I'm glad you didn't take my (rather spontaneously aggressive) comment the wrong way!!
I totally understand the implications of having to take time off work etc - I personally find that financial things impact my mental health very hard, so I totally get this.
We will have to work out something to have a chat sometime 😄 I'm a counselling student but nowhere near qualified to give advice 🤣
I hear you and see you and KNOW this. I was trying to describe it to someone the other day, at the gym, with two of my children there with me, and my mother-in-law in her gentle lost way, wondering if I’d made a mistake even attempting to get in a workout. My husband merry as you like, pumping iron far on the other side.
The woman I was talking to, when I said, ‘I just want the kids to go back to school already,’ replied: ‘oh? Huh? I guess I really love my kids.’
I was like, nope. I hate mine 🤣
(Just in case anyone reading this think I hate my kids, I do not. But I do REALLY like time when they are not dictating every minute.)
SO relate to this. I love them so much, but desperately NEED that time on my own. It's such a luxury to be able to think and work on one thing without distraction 🙌🏻
I relate very much!!! And even though I don’t know you at all, I know you do not hate your kids! It’s the constant struggle of staying “on” 24/7 and just well needing a breather at times … so you can take care of yourself, so you can take the best care of them 🤍 if I was standing next to you at that gym we would have such a lengthy convo after you said that 😂. .. hugs!
That's exactly it! It's 24/7, and I know I signed up for this life when I had children, it's still hard work and I'd like a break from it every once in a while 😅
I truly understand how hard it is to choose to walk out that door and go for a walk or head out for just half an hour, but it’s also essential for everyone!!! Maybe you can start little micro moments of time for yourself so you can build up gradually? Even fifteen minutes sitting in your own could be a wonderful start. I have learned that nobody else will take responsibility for my wellbeing other than myself so I have to state my needs and have the courage to honour them. It’s not comfortable in a society that celebrates the selfless, self sacrificing mother but it’s essential. I also feel very much motivated by wanting my girls to see me tending to myself so it’s not such a big task for them to unravel all the narratives that tell them not to when they are older. The biggest hugs to you Sophie, you deserve to have time to nourish your self. Be a rebel and take it! Xxxx
I definitely need to! I need to advocate for myself and make time for myself. I guess it's hard to put in to practice when it's not something that comes naturally. You're so right! I need to be the example for my children, so that they know to take care of themselves too. Thank you for sharing this, Lauren. I needed it! x
I totally understand lovely, and as you say… it is a PRACTICE… which means we have to perhaps edge into slightly unknown territory and not get it ‘right’ all the time as we learn it. I hope you can find some baby steps to take that will allow you to feel that bit more supported. One of the most hard hitting quotes I have read since becoming a Mother is the Jung quote… "The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents." It really landed with me!!! xxxx
LOVE this, Miranda! I really need to create an identity and routine outside of being mum and wife, and more about being Sophie! Going to have a journal about ways in which I can do this. Thank you for your comment 🥰
Sophie, I think your feelings are totally valid! I also think everyone feels this way from time to time. Lord knows, as a single parent for my son's whole life, I definitely felt it. Take whatever time you need!
Sending much love. It's a difficult and so demanding time. When I went back to work after having kids I once pretended I had to go to a work conference 2hrs away and stay overnight in a hotel. I didn't, but I booked a hotel room and stayed in it. Just for 24hrs of peace and quiet.
I LOVE THIS! 🤣 Oh that’s amazing. I definitely could do with that. I think I’m feeling very overwhelmed from the summer holidays and back to back illnesses with each of the children. I can’t wait for school/ childminder to open!!
Go! Do what you need to do to make it happen. Earlier this year I went on holiday alone for a week and my husband had a week's holiday alone too. It was bliss!!
Do you and your husband trade off time to yourselves at the weekend or in the evenings? This is also a sanity saver. Leaving bedtimes to someone else and getting jn the car to drive away for a coffee or a walk in peace!
No, not really. Although my husband always says exactly that! To go get a coffee and drive or go for a walk but I never do. I’m in my own way, I know I am. It’s like I want a break from everything, but I want them to come with me 🤣. Make it make sense!
Sophie, you already know that I don't have kids, but I did have a decade of caring for my family's foster children (from newborn up to mid-primary) - I'm also a counselling student. Two things I want to leave with you -
1. You're not doing anyone any favours by staying like this, least of all yourself. No, not every mother puts themselves last. You are simply convincing yourself that you're a 'good mother' for doing so. I believe in taking personal responsibility, and that means accepting that you created (or at least co-created) this life, so the only person to blame is YOU. (I mean that in the kindest, nicest way possible - honestly!). You have every right to complain, but what are you going to DO about it? Take some action.
2, I once read somewhere: 'much of the pain of life is self-imposed.' Again, this is about you. Think about (maybe journal) how your lack of boundaries has led you to feeling this way. I can guarantee that you say yes too much (maybe struggle with people-pleasing tendencies) and do things for others that they could do themselves, especially your kids. If you want things to change then you 'll have to stop doing that.
Sorry to come off sounding so aggressive!! But I am very passionate about this topic - women feeling downtrodden when they hold the power to change things, ask for help, etc. You're not powerless! If you don't like your life, do something to change it.
I needed this, Jessica! I suppose I feel like a lot of this is out of my control and that I can't do anything about it (baby's health issues leading to having to take time off work and impacting my financial and mental health being the biggest thing out of my control).
I'm not sure what I could do about those, really. But don't apologise, this is helpful! I really want to change my life, but I can't seem to get ahead enough to do that.
Would love to chat further for some more passionate advice 🤣
I'm glad you didn't take my (rather spontaneously aggressive) comment the wrong way!!
I totally understand the implications of having to take time off work etc - I personally find that financial things impact my mental health very hard, so I totally get this.
We will have to work out something to have a chat sometime 😄 I'm a counselling student but nowhere near qualified to give advice 🤣
(Thinks. With an S. Kids tugging at me…)
I hear you and see you and KNOW this. I was trying to describe it to someone the other day, at the gym, with two of my children there with me, and my mother-in-law in her gentle lost way, wondering if I’d made a mistake even attempting to get in a workout. My husband merry as you like, pumping iron far on the other side.
The woman I was talking to, when I said, ‘I just want the kids to go back to school already,’ replied: ‘oh? Huh? I guess I really love my kids.’
I was like, nope. I hate mine 🤣
(Just in case anyone reading this think I hate my kids, I do not. But I do REALLY like time when they are not dictating every minute.)
SO relate to this. I love them so much, but desperately NEED that time on my own. It's such a luxury to be able to think and work on one thing without distraction 🙌🏻
The sun is falling over the keyboard and I have a few minutes before snacks and pick up and everything.... So magic!
I relate very much!!! And even though I don’t know you at all, I know you do not hate your kids! It’s the constant struggle of staying “on” 24/7 and just well needing a breather at times … so you can take care of yourself, so you can take the best care of them 🤍 if I was standing next to you at that gym we would have such a lengthy convo after you said that 😂. .. hugs!
That's exactly it! It's 24/7, and I know I signed up for this life when I had children, it's still hard work and I'd like a break from it every once in a while 😅
Thank you! They go back to school today and I’m going to lie on the floor for at least an hour!
and you deserve to!!! Not going to lie I did a lot of lounging in a blur that first week of school! Hope you all had a good first day!!
I truly understand how hard it is to choose to walk out that door and go for a walk or head out for just half an hour, but it’s also essential for everyone!!! Maybe you can start little micro moments of time for yourself so you can build up gradually? Even fifteen minutes sitting in your own could be a wonderful start. I have learned that nobody else will take responsibility for my wellbeing other than myself so I have to state my needs and have the courage to honour them. It’s not comfortable in a society that celebrates the selfless, self sacrificing mother but it’s essential. I also feel very much motivated by wanting my girls to see me tending to myself so it’s not such a big task for them to unravel all the narratives that tell them not to when they are older. The biggest hugs to you Sophie, you deserve to have time to nourish your self. Be a rebel and take it! Xxxx
I definitely need to! I need to advocate for myself and make time for myself. I guess it's hard to put in to practice when it's not something that comes naturally. You're so right! I need to be the example for my children, so that they know to take care of themselves too. Thank you for sharing this, Lauren. I needed it! x
I totally understand lovely, and as you say… it is a PRACTICE… which means we have to perhaps edge into slightly unknown territory and not get it ‘right’ all the time as we learn it. I hope you can find some baby steps to take that will allow you to feel that bit more supported. One of the most hard hitting quotes I have read since becoming a Mother is the Jung quote… "The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents." It really landed with me!!! xxxx
Been there done that started a blog.
And went on a retreat to make sense of ME without those roles.
Coaching helped.
Starting a project just for me helped.
Showing my kids that ‘mom time’ is a thing helped.
Oxygen masks on planes are put on first BEFORE you help someone else.
You die they die.
So prioritise you. It’s not selfish. It’s vital.
😘😘
LOVE this, Miranda! I really need to create an identity and routine outside of being mum and wife, and more about being Sophie! Going to have a journal about ways in which I can do this. Thank you for your comment 🥰
Sophie, I think your feelings are totally valid! I also think everyone feels this way from time to time. Lord knows, as a single parent for my son's whole life, I definitely felt it. Take whatever time you need!
Thanks, Kristi! I don't feel like it all the time, but when things become very overwhelming it can feel like I'm drowning 🩶
Sending much love. It's a difficult and so demanding time. When I went back to work after having kids I once pretended I had to go to a work conference 2hrs away and stay overnight in a hotel. I didn't, but I booked a hotel room and stayed in it. Just for 24hrs of peace and quiet.
I LOVE THIS! 🤣 Oh that’s amazing. I definitely could do with that. I think I’m feeling very overwhelmed from the summer holidays and back to back illnesses with each of the children. I can’t wait for school/ childminder to open!!
Go! Do what you need to do to make it happen. Earlier this year I went on holiday alone for a week and my husband had a week's holiday alone too. It was bliss!!
That sounds amazing! I’d love that!! 😍
Do you and your husband trade off time to yourselves at the weekend or in the evenings? This is also a sanity saver. Leaving bedtimes to someone else and getting jn the car to drive away for a coffee or a walk in peace!
No, not really. Although my husband always says exactly that! To go get a coffee and drive or go for a walk but I never do. I’m in my own way, I know I am. It’s like I want a break from everything, but I want them to come with me 🤣. Make it make sense!
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