Why I don't have any friends
And why I don't really want any either
I first read Jessica’s post in early February, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since (you can read it below).
Jessica talks about the challenges of making new friends, especially as we get older, and how to overcome them. The post really intrigued me and got me thinking.
I would say, confidently, that I don’t have any friends. Now this makes me sound like there’s something wrong with me. I don’t think there is, I think if I wanted to make friends I could, but I just haven’t ever really put the effort in and I’m not sad about it.
I have 17 friends on Facebook. Most of them are my brothers and sisters and other relatives, and a handful are some mums from school or my sons football club. So, none of them are actually my friends.
You see, I’m not in a position where I come into contact with new people often. I live in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere, I don’t ‘go out’ and drink alcohol, I’m very introverted and quiet, I work from home alone, and I NEED time on my own for my own peace of mind and in order to function fully.
So basically, I’m the perfect recipe for ‘how to avoid making any friends’. The dream would be to move to a tiny cottage in rural Scotland where my closest neighbour would be miles away and the only other living soul I’d see on a daily basis would be cattle and sheep. But, that’s my dream, and it wouldn’t be great for my children who do have friends and enjoy socialising with them.
But, there have been studies that suggest having friends is good for you. They can help enrich your life and improve your health! So, why am I so reluctant to make any?
I think it’s because I really love my life how it is. Like reallllly love it. Maybe this comes from my childhood where I never really fit in with others, I never wore makeup like the other girls did, I didn’t have a group of besties like everyone else seemed to have, and I listened to ‘weird’ music (folk, country and alternative). I tried hard through school to make friends and that meant behaving in ways untrue to me, just so I could fit in.
This makes me cringe now when I look back as an adult. I’d hate for my children to be anything other than their true selves, and to act up or ‘perform’ just to fit in. I always tell them to be their true authentic self, and not follow along just because other’s are doing something. But school is a tough place to be for children, and I understand that.
I found that once I got home from school and was safe in my own bedroom, that my shoulders relaxed and I felt calm and happy in my own surroundings, with my own company, and my own ‘weird’ playlist on my iPod (remember those?).
As an adult, not much changed. I had a boyfriend (my now husband) since being 16, I had my own flat from being 17, I had children early (aged 20 and 21) which saw me give up alcohol, and all of that is quite out of the ordinary for a student at university. I was much older than others for my age, and it was hard to relate to the things that interested them.
I did ‘make friends’ in university, but we had nothing in common apart from our age. I didn’t care for Snap Chat selfies, cute boys or buying high heels for a night out clubbing.
I did have incredible colleagues when I qualified as a nurse though. I suppose it’s because a lot of them were older than me but were at a very similar stage in their lives to me. They had children the same age as mine, bills to think about and were engaged to be married just like I was. I certainly felt like I fit in better through this period of my life, but again, I wouldn’t call them friends.
Since I left nursing in February 2020, and I suppose since the pandemic induced lockdowns, I have been quite isolated and so it’s been hard to make friends even if I wanted to.
I do speak to other mums at the school gates, and I even have ‘close acquaintances’ that I see every Saturday whilst my son plays football. Again, I wouldn’t call them friends. They’ve certainly never been to my house for a coffee and I would truly be mortified if they ever turned up to my house unexpectedly for ‘a natter’.
They know very little about me and I like that. They see what I want them to see and the rest is private. After football, I retreat home and I’m safe again. There’s no small talk and I don’t have anxiety trying to fill awkward silences.
To me, making friends seems like such a big effort. Do I really want to tell my life story to someone? Will they judge me and my upbringing? Will they even like me, and it’ll turn out to be a lot of effort for nothing? Would they mind that I don’t drink alcohol? What would we chat about? Where would we hang out? Would they like the weird music that I like and have no knowledge of who the artists in the charts are?
Who knows? Not me, that’s for sure. But do you know who does know my life story, doesn’t judge me, likes me even, chatting is easy and we hang out all the time listening to the same weird music? My husband.
Oh gosh, that’s so cheesy and cliche isn’t it? But, it is true. He is my best friend and it’s effortless. I can’t imagine there being another person that knows me so well or is so similar to me.
There’s certainly been people that I’ve ‘met’ online that come close though. I think I prefer online friends because I get to choose what to say to them, what they know about me, and most importantly, when I get to hang out with them and how much time I spend with them.
Think about it. I get to talk to them about things we have in common, but from the comfort of my own home and only for short periods (I get very tired after socialising, so it’s great that I can do that from my sofa or my bed). There’s not much effort involved apart from typing a comment or message and hitting send (perfect!). They don’t judge me or my home because they don’t really know me (yes!). It’s always on my terms when I want to hang out with them. All I have to do is log in and chat and catch up, and then log off again.
Does this all make me sound very lonely and reclusive? Maybe you’re reading this and thinking ‘gosh, what a sad little life Sophie’. But, I promise you the opposite is true. I live a very happy and fulfilled life. My children, my husband and my dogs bring me so much happiness and I love spending time with them because we’re very similar.
I think that’s the key though, isn’t it? Just doing what brings you happiness in your own life. For others, their friends are their world. And that’s totally fine! Other people are extroverts and need to be around people just as I need my own space.
Some of you will read this post and relate to it massively. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there that doesn’t have friends. Maybe we could ‘meet up’ online and chat about it? Certainly leave me a comment with your thoughts. In fact, I’d love to hear about those of you with friends too. It’s all very alien to me so I’d love to know more. What do you do? What do you chat about? Where do you go? Do they bring happiness and enrich your life?
Ultimately, the most important thing is that we’re happy. Whether that’s having no friends, or lots of friends. Whatever brings you joy and contentment is right for you, even if that wouldn’t be right for someone else.
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Just found this, brave post! I’m sure many can relate but feel some shame about it. I do have friends and I love them dearly, but not many and I have a deep seated belief that if I had no friends at all I would be fine. My husband is my constant and I also have a sister who I get on so well with. But I also really really like myself. I’m kind, funny, smart! Too much is made of this ideal of female friendship groups and BFFs and I’m not sure if it exists. Other people are often a little disappointing too being perfectly honest. Great post.
Soooo relatable!!